Ass Kicking on the Rise

Recent Study Shows 300% Increase Since Last Quarter - Mike Anderson Believed to be Responsible

In a recent university study, experts claim that ass kicking has increased significantly over the past few months. "The amount of ass being kicked here is ridiculous," stated Major Woody, of the Illinois National Guard. When asked to expound, MAJ Woody, as well as most locals in Central Illinois had the same response: Mike Anderson. "He's just the bomb," said Bob Smith, a Decatur native who has known Mr. Anderson for many years. "He kicks major ass," continued Kevin Bagley, a long-time friend. "I've known Mike since first grade, and where you find asses getting kicked, you find Mike." Ryan Anderson, an elder brother, said this:
"I obtained DNA samples from each Anderson and conducted my own study at Duke University, as part of my doctoral thesis. When examined, we found that Mike received a mutant recessive gene which not only makes him kick hella ass (and by that I mean a shitload) but also is responsible for his unbelievable good looks. This gene was also found in all other Andersons, but their ass kicking skills are severely under-developed. We believe this is due to prolonged exposure to radiation from standing too close to the microwave while making egg sandwiches, as well as an unhealthy diet of warm RC Cola, Doritos, and popsicles. While we Andersons still kick about 75% more ass than any other American, Mike has definately surpassed all of us in the family."

We approached the rest of the Anderson Family for further comment. This is what they had to say:

Marc Anderson: "My bro RUUUULES! He kicks my ass constantly... always honing his skills."

Merri Anderson: "He kicks so much ass it makes me sick... verrrrrrrp! Whatever dude!"

Melissa Anderson: "He's Mik-eeeeey, he's loveeeeey, and he kicks major ass, YEAH! I love my lovey Bob,mmmmmmmmmmmmm!"


Rich Anderson: "I pooped my pants."

Randy Anderson was not available for comment.



BELOW CENTER: Michael Anderson conducting business as usual, kicking hella ass.